Log in

None Selected [entries|friends|calendar]
music is my life

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Goodbye [Tuesday
February 7th, 2006]
This journal has almost cost me my greatest love, and is far more trouble than it's worth. Goodbye all LJ friends, and Sean, please forgive me. I never did anything trying to hurt you, and I never betrayed you. Give me some credit, why the hell would I practically write to you about an affair if I was having one? I never would, and I'm not that stupid. EVerything I write here is from my POV, and written for me. I welcome my friends to look at it, but it's not written to be understood by anyone but me. Otherwise, when I talked about Serj, or Jow or bumblebeetuna, I would sit there explaining it for others. But i don't. I never meant to misportray anything in here, but when I wrote whatever it was you saw, understand that there was liekly no way you or anyone else could have understood it, any more than you understand the Thomas thing without me explaining, so please stop running on the assumption that what you read was clear. It wasn't, I assure you, almost nothing I write is. PLease forgive me for loving you, please forgive me for not having an affair, and for not being psychic enough to know you would misenterpret it.

Thomas is soo happy... [Saturday
October 8th, 2005]
[ mood | chipper ]

She has salt water taffy and popcorn.

She's been on a diet of croissants, chocolate, milk, and anything from 7-11, yet she has lost 5 pounds from walking alone.

She'll kick your ass rotten in Gothador.

So will her guitar.

And she was just offered a great job.

If you would just be able to be here, it would be perfect.

Thomas went to market, to market, to market,Thomas went to market and bought a pretty hog. [Monday
October 3rd, 2005]
[ mood | drained and fallen through ]

Dear you,

Sitting up again thinking about you. I miis you, even when I think I might just hate you. Even then, that's only because I miss you.
Even when things were really bad, or painful, it was still better with you here.
I have your picture out again. It's almost a shrine, a little temple in uniform at the head of my bed, resting on a satin pillow. Or cotton, I can't remember.
I look up at it when I wake up at night because the bed is still empty, and even with all the pillows, and all the comfortors it's still not comfortable as it was before. That's why I find myself calling you at 2Am just to leave a message...it's as close as I can get to you.
I'm watching more clips and newspieces, about all the soldiers, all the deaths. I just heard the new announcement...they think we'll be in Iraq for at least ten years. The Marines are coming home, the fight will end, but you know who gets to go stay there for the next ten, the good ole boys, the Army. I try to talk to Ruth, she thinks she knows what's going on. But I can't, when I tell her things like this, all she has to say is "I told you so." She did, I guess...
So I heard that and now I just can't sleep. Don't worry about me, like I know you are...just worry about you, keep your nose clean.
I'm supposed to go to the school tomorrow, see E and Immytay, but I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it, I won't get any sleep. I'll just stay at home and wait for you to call, like always. I'm glad you got the new phone. I'm feeling alot less crazy, now that I can get ahold of you when or if I really need to. I was calling couple nights ago, the time i didn't sound very well; I had a bad dream, to say the least of it. I turned over liek always and tried to shake you awake for a hug, a little snuggle until I could sleep again, and then I realized it was just the pillow, not you. Too bad, woulda been nice to have you steal all the covers again...it's odd to wake up actually covered and overly warm.

I've been playing a whole lot of the guitar lately...my sister is fond of singing over and over something about "the girl with her own soundtrack", because at all hours of the day, she's woken up to chords and hammers. She doesn't mind, though...she went through this with Jose, though not as bad...she saw him every few weeks. My parents paid for all her trips.

I'm saving up a bit of money now, other than the cash going into the account. I'm buying a mic and some equipment, and I;m turning our garage into a mini studio. I have all my days free now...It'll run me about 80 bucks, but it's worth it. If I can wait until Christmas, maybe I'll get enough cash to start paying. Yay! Piss off the neighbors with the noise from the basement...
Enough for now...I'm gonna go read and see if I can tire out and sleep.
Lots of kisses,
and nakie pictures when I can get them developed,

Thommy loves her Immytay [Sunday
September 25th, 2005]

Today i sat and stared at the phone for about 20 minutes, willing it to ring, or willing myself to pick it up and call you.

Then after about 12 minutes, it got realy uncomfortable with me just sitting there, so I started talking to the phone...you know, trying to loosen it up a bit.

We had a very good (albeit quiet) conversation about you. The phone agrees that you should be nicer, even if you're embarrassed. It also agrees that Sonic rules, and that the president ruls quite a bit less.

It asked me to tell you hello, and that you should call it soon. And that when you don't call me, it never rings, and gets bored.

But mostly that it agrees with me.

So call me. The phone is restless. Do it for the phone.

Kate. And the phone.

September 24th, 2005]
Ack...Timmy got hurt, apparently. Nobody tells me nothing.

Hey, at least he called.

September 24th, 2005]

No matter how far gone you are, you're always there, in the back of my...closet?


As I was hunting for a place to stack up the boxes of letters and clothes, anything of Sean's or from Sean, I pulled away a coat and a dress that blocked the veiw of an old, beat part of the wall of my closet.
I haven't seen it for months, and had forgotten all about it until tonight. In blue marker Trav has scratched a legend of himself into this room in the form of a penguin and an error.
There is a little penguin, perhaps his trademark, of his comic. Meep. And he left an inscription. As a joke, he wrote, "If I don't make it, I wan't my family to know I held on as long as I could." Which made enough sense, seeing as he was trapped in my closet until my sister fell asleep or left and I could sneak him out.
That was the day, in the back of that closet, he kissed me for the first time, and somehow from this the conversation led to how we would think of eachother years from then.
And what gets me now is the script he placed under the first for me to always read, in case one day I felt for him as I do now. Not neccisarily a fond memory.

"Please don't ever hate me; Just think of tooday."

I wonder how he knew then that we were doomed. Was he already seeing her, perhaps?

In any case, Travis, I'm not sure whether you just saved my relationship or set me in my resolve that promises and poetry don't mean that much. I'll know in the morning.

But until then, your words will be covered up again, this time by boxes of momentos from another former lover.

Travis, I know I promised...but I hate you so much right now. And so I will toomorrow.

Another letter to Timmy [Friday
September 23rd, 2005]
[ mood | chipper ]

Dear Timmy,

I still can't figure out this one little nagging thing. How can you tell me you love me and I'm your bestestest friend, but it doesn't phaze you, bother you, or even catch your attention to not hear from me for a couple of weeks?

I was going to call you tonight, but then I decided that I would rather not, and you'll just call me if you give a hoot.

But then, I decided that it's possible you don't call me because----

And right as I was typing that, my mom comes in with the phone, and it's you.

Just figures.

I love you,
Maybe Katie

September 21st, 2005]
Yhee, I get my hot pants tomorrow...or today, if online shopping sucks less.

Maybe see Timmy tonight, maybe get up the pluck to get things straightened out...

September 20th, 2005]
Dear Bonnie,

You bitch.

We hung out at Halloween, no problem. We had fun all night, then your mom picked you pu...and then you never spoke to me again.
I called you every week at least, and for a while, almost every day, but you would never pick up, even when I knew you were home.

You weren't grounded. You could call anytime you want. I talked to your mother.

Your birthday came and went without our traditions, still no word. As did my birthday, and Christmas, and so on and so forth.

And today, 11 months later, is the first day I get to talk to you, because I thought to call from a number you wouldn't recognize.

And you say, "I'm busy", and generally act like you have no idea why I might be calling. FINE.

BEcause I gave up on you a long time ago. About 6 months ago, in fact. I was only calling to figure out when I could get the stuff you tried to keep back.

So I'll see you tomorrow at two, to pick up my things. They'd better all be there. And when I come, I will also try to coerce you into talking with me.

I want to know, after 12 years of friendship, you have suddenly decided you want nothing to do with me. Nothing bad happened on Halloween. We didn't fight. I didn't offend you. So, I wonder..what did YOU do, that you on't want me to know about? Because I get the uncanny feeling that that is why you won't speak with me.

And BTW, I'm happy that you stopped speaking with Sallinda, because FYI...She's pregnant. And still smoking crack. Remember that guy I intro'd her to? Mikey?
He is now an avoidant father.

Good for you two for treating me like shit and ditching me, then ditching me all on your own after she ditched you. Haha.

And good for you for dropping out of school. Me? I graduated tweo years early, not dropped out.

Maybe that's why you are afraid to talk to me now. Because you are so ashamed of yourself. And as much as I love you, my sister, and will ever be there for you should you need somebody, you really fucking should be ashamed.

Love, Kate.

September 18th, 2005]

I swear to god is i dont see timmy tonight ill fucking cut her fucking throat out she makes me so mad@!!!!!

Lavine [Saturday
September 17th, 2005]
1 community and 92 users are huge Avril 'Lavine' fans.

Thomas says ick... [Friday
September 16th, 2005]
[ mood | aggravated ]

I got my second to last load in the mail today...the earrings were right, the thongs were mostly right, and the journal was plentily pretty but the damn armcovers, the Pinnacle of the Package...are a hideous travesty, a joke of what I ordered.

Online shopping sucks. I should stop.

Grrr... [Wednesday
September 14th, 2005]
I love online shopping, but they shipped it to the wrong damn address...

The address of the psycho accross the street who randomly comes over to threaten to kill we for things like not telling his kid to put his helmet on.

Thank gods his grandaughter is a good friend, or he never would have given me the package back.

Stupid online shopping.

Thomas fell down and bought a crown. [Wednesday
September 14th, 2005]
[ mood | horny ]

I've had a good night.

I bought myself three new pretty journals and exhausted the last one.

I bought three new pretty thongs, as well.

And I had pasta.

But goddamit, I'm almost out of ciggarettes, I've lost my best friend to adolescent hormones, and having bought myself pretty new things now understand my mother's logic about young women and credit cards.

A kiss, a tiff, and a tangerine, gods I need some good sex.


Thomas took a little ax, gave her mother 50 whacks.... [Monday
September 12th, 2005]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I got right down to the white meat today.

Oh, Tim...please remember that I am the performer here. Just learn to be honest with those you love...you need to come right out and tell me what you mean. FUCK OFF. Plain and simple.

I got pictures from Sean today. His whole platoon portrait, and then a very handsome single, classic, Army portrait of him.
He was born for a uniform.

So he'll be out of basic in three weeks, about. I'm going down for Family Day and Graduation...And hopefully, he'll have a little leave off between and I'll be able to stay with him for a couple days.

I don't even have fingerprints on the tips of my fingers from playing so much. I give up. A new star, a new bolt...they're quite lovely, really...Even if it does mean that shallow Timmy wants nothing to do with me.

Tanya is long gone now. My judgement was right, that by the time her name had faded away, so would her face, and her spirit.

Tanya is long gone now.

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]